Healing Attachment Wounds: Breaking the Cycle of People-Pleasing and Perfectionism

Let’s talk about attachment wounds—a term that might sound a little heavy but actually explains so much about why we act the way we do in relationships. These emotional wounds are often formed in childhood when our emotional needs aren’t fully met. Maybe our caregivers weren’t always present, or they were inconsistent, neglectful, or even caused us trauma. Over time, these wounds shape how we relate to others and ourselves, especially when it comes to people-pleasing and perfectionism. And while these behaviors might feel helpful in the moment, they often fuel anxiety.

What Are Attachment Wounds?

Attachment wounds happen when we don’t feel emotionally safe or secure as kids. When caregivers are inconsistent, neglectful, or unresponsive, it can leave us feeling unworthy of love or connection. These wounds don’t just disappear as we grow up—they often show up in our adult relationships and how we see ourselves.

Essentially, these wounds are the result of unmet emotional needs, and they can make us act in ways that protect us from further emotional pain. That’s where people-pleasing and perfectionism often come in. They’re coping strategies, but they can also create more stress and anxiety than they relieve.

How People-Pleasing and Perfectionism Stem from Attachment Wounds

People-pleasing and perfectionism don’t just pop up out of nowhere—they’re often rooted in early attachment wounds. And while they might have helped us survive or navigate challenging relationships as kids, they can create a lot of inner tension as adults. They both involve looking outside of ourselves for a sense of love, approval, and value, instead of trusting in our own inherent worthiness. 

People-Pleasing: The Need to Be Liked and Avoid Rejection

People-pleasing typically develops from an anxious attachment style. When you feel like love or attention is conditional—like you need to behave a certain way to get it—it’s easy to slip into people-pleasing patterns. In this case, the thought process is, "If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be loved, and I won’t be abandoned."

How It Feeds Anxiety:

• Constantly Watching Others’ Emotions: People-pleasers are always tuned into how others feel. They’re trying to keep everyone happy, which means constantly monitoring the emotional temperature of those around them. This creates a lot of stress, as you’re always worrying about whether someone’s upset or unhappy.
• Fear of Disapproval: If you’re terrified of being disliked or rejected, you’ll go out of your way to make sure no one gets mad at you. But living in fear of disapproval causes a lot of anxiety because it feels like rejection is always just around the corner.
• Hiding Your True Self: To keep the peace or avoid conflict, people-pleasers tend to hide their own feelings or needs. The result? Suppressed emotions and growing resentment, which leads to internal stress and anxiety.

Are you a People-Pleaser? [Take the Quiz]

Perfectionism: Controlling Everything to Avoid Criticism

Perfectionism often starts as a defense mechanism—if you do everything perfectly, no one can criticize or reject you, right? It’s a way of protecting yourself from feeling vulnerable. This behavior tends to develop when a child feels like they’re constantly judged or their worth is tied to their achievements.

Why It Adds to Anxiety:

• Fear of Making Mistakes: Perfectionists live with the fear that one wrong move will lead to criticism or failure. That fear creates anxiety, especially around performance or any task where failure feels possible.
• Never Good Enough: No matter how well you do, perfectionists rarely feel satisfied. You’re constantly chasing a moving target, which means there’s always anxiety about whether you’re “doing enough.”
• Harsh Self-Criticism: Perfectionists can be their own worst critics. That constant inner voice saying, “You’re not good enough” or “That wasn’t perfect” creates a ton of mental pressure, which easily turns into anxiety.

Why These Patterns Lead to Anxiety

Both people-pleasing and perfectionism might seem helpful in avoiding rejection or criticism, but they actually lead to more anxiety. Here’s why:

• Always On Alert: Whether it’s trying to keep everyone happy or staying on top of everything perfectly, both behaviors keep your nervous system in a constant state of alertness. You’re always “on,” which can leave you feeling burned out and anxious.
• Losing Touch With Yourself: When you’re so focused on meeting others’ expectations, you lose sight of your own needs. This disconnection creates a lot of inner tension and anxiety, as you’re not living in alignment with your true self.
• Fear of Failure or Rejection: Both behaviors are rooted in fear—fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough. These fears keep you in a cycle of anxiety, as you’re always worried about not measuring up.

Are you a Perfectionist? [Take the Quiz]

How to Heal Attachment Wounds and Ease Anxiety

You can break free from these patterns by healing the attachment wounds behind them. Here are some steps to get started:

• Recognize Attachment Wounds: Understanding attachment styles and the protective patterns we developed in childhood can give us insight into why we behave the way we do and how to comfort the part of us that didn’t get what they needed when we were young. 
• Set Boundaries: Learning to say “no” and put your needs first is key to overcoming people-pleasing. When you set boundaries, you lower the anxiety that comes from always putting yourself last.
• Embrace Imperfection: Start practicing self-compassion and learn to embrace imperfection. By letting go of the idea that you need to be perfect, you relieve yourself of a lot of pressure and allow room for growth and peace.
• Mindfulness and Somatic Practices: Practices like yoga, meditation, and breathwork are great for calming the nervous system and helping you manage emotional regulation. They can also help you feel more connected to your body and to your true self, which is key for healing.
• Inner Child Work: Healing your inner child is about addressing the unmet needs from your past and learning to care for yourself with compassion. By nurturing your inner child, you can begin to fill those old emotional gaps and heal from within.

Attachment wounds, while formed in childhood, can have a long-lasting impact on how we navigate relationships and cope with stress. People-pleasing and perfectionism are often rooted in these wounds, and while they might seem like helpful strategies, they usually end up feeding anxiety. The good news is, by recognizing these patterns and working to heal the wounds behind them, you can reduce anxiety and live in a way that’s more aligned with your true self.

I’d love to help guide you on this journey of self-discovery and healing. To get you started I’ve created Nurture Within: Healing Attachment Wounds & Reparenting Your Inner Child an online workshop to uncover your attachment style, recognize the relationship patterns that are no longer serving you and begin to rebuild the relationship with yourself. Learn more about this  90-minute self-paced online workshop that includes lessons, workbook and practices to begin your journey of self-healing. 

You’re not alone in this. Healing is a journey, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. I’m here to walk alongside you, offering guidance, tools, and a compassionate space to help you find your way to calm and connection.