Doing scary things on purpose

A week ago I boarded a plane for Virginia, leaving Texas, my family, my kids and the home I’ve known for almost 20 years.

I’ve been planning this move for years, knew that I would go off and be somewhere new after my kids were grown. It’s been something I’ve looked forward to and dreamed about and been so excited for.

I’ve never in my life had an opportunity to be completely on my own and do exactly what I choose. When else in my life will I ever get this chance?? It’s an opportunity I don’t want to waste a minute of. Trusting in God’s plan for my life and holding on loosely to the reins. How exciting! How freeing! How absolutely terrifying when it actually happens…

In the months leading up to the big move, I’ve had to let go of so many things I really wanted to hold on to. I wanted to make a big move, but I also really wanted to hold on.

I watched my daughter choose a college (not one we expected but with trust and openness to possibility we’ve realized it’s exactly where she’s meant to be).

I’ve sold the house I’ve lived in for 18 years, my safe space and my retreat that rose up to meet me each day and the place where I raised my kids.

I moved myself and my daughter out of the only home she’s ever known, and left her to live with her dad. I left my parents who lived down the street from me and the community I’ve been a part of for almost 2 decades.

I’ve cried pretty much every day for the last 3 months. I’ve used meditation and breath and prayer and journaling to process all of the emotions. Some days it helps, some days I’ve just trusted that it will help even if I don’t feel it in the moment.

Some of the emotions are positive, most of them have felt pretty crappy. None of them have told me this big move isn’t the right decision, but scared, sad, anxious, uncertain and all of their jerk friends have far outweighed feelings like excited, anticipation, and freedom.

I’ve learned more about myself in the last few months than I think I ever have in my life. I’ve come face to face with anxiety I didn’t realize I had, with codependent habits I also didn’t realize were there… and with my overthinking mind that can rule my entire life if I’m not careful.

What excites me the most (and the growth potential in all of this challenge) is that I’ve learned from my lived experience more about the application of the tools and practices I teach my clients than I ever knew before. And I’ve learned that practicing these tools in the middle of the difficult circumstance is way harder than practicing when things are going pretty well. I’ve learned that it’s not a quick instant pick me up, and that you might have to do another meditation just 10 minutes later when the anxiety comes back.

I’ve also learned that I get to choose my own experience. I get to decide which emotions rule my life and how I get to show up. And that without kids, or family, or friends, or anyone else to hide behind, It becomes very clear what I’m choosing.

I’m an introvert. I don’t really like talking to strangers. I could lock myself in my apartment and be alone all the time and probably feel a lot safer. But I’m not going to waste this opportunity being afraid.

I’m choosing to step into some really uncomfortable courage and be open to all of the possibilities this precious life of mine has for me. I can’t even begin to imagine what lies ahead. I’ve never looked out upon such uncertainty. That’s terrifying, and also incredibly exciting. And what I’ve come to know with certainty is that those two things can exist at the same time. I thought I knew this before. But now I actually believe it.

It’s 7:34am on the east coast. I’ve already cried this morning while I prayed. Chances are good I’ll cry again. But I’ll also laugh, and feel peace and maybe a little sad again. And that’s ok. ❤️